and I realized I haven't in a while. It isn't because I don't have anything to say, I always have something to say, but I think it is because life has been a little crazier, busier, and more serious than usual. Growing up sucks! I would give anything for the days when my biggest problem was that mom and dad wouldn't let me stay out with my friends till 1am on a Saturday. Life was simple then, well at least compared to now it was. It wasn't simple in the fact that I had no worries in the world, but the worries were different, not as potentially life changing.
I turned 30 in October. It wasn't a birthday that made me feel old or that I dreaded like so many other people I know did. It made me think. Where am I? How did I get here? Where am I going? I have answered 2/3 of that thought process! It's better than half, but not quite finished. I know what you are going to say, no one ever REALLY knows where they are going in life, it is full of surprises, when a door closes blah blah blah. I get it! I have lived it, and now I would like a little predictability in my life for a while.
Where am I? I am sitting at my desk at work. Ha! Less literally speaking I am in a good place. I have a nice house (albeit I rent), an amazing family, a cute dog and a cuddly kitty, and am engaged to my best friend and one of the most awesome people I know. I come home to a dog that is excited to see me, a cat that casually aknowledges my existense unless she is begging for dog food (don't ask!) and a man who actually cares how my day was. I am lucky!
How did I get here? Now THIS is a loaded question. I could go back to birth and attribute my life today to my parents and how they raised me. Yes, they have had a major influence in my life and are the reason I am physically here, but have also had a major influence on how I live my life and the choices I make. They alone are not the reason I got to the place I am at. My friends, past and present, have shaped my life as well. Friends push us beyond our comfort zones, they open up a different way of life and point of view for us. They contribute to our journey. My ex husband? Absolutely is one of the reasons I am where I am. I learned soooo much about myself from my marriage and divorce that I can confidently say I would not be WHO I am or WHERE I am or with the person I am with if it hadn't expereienced that. I could sit and write about all the things that have influenced me, but it would take me 30 years! There are so many decisions we make on a daily basis that shape our lives. Decisions we think may be insignificant can change the course you are on down the road and choices you think are huge can blow by you like a tumbleweed in the desert not changing a thing and rolling along until it finds someone else.
NOw for the loaded question Where am I going? Honestly right now I don't know! A lot of things are up in the air and out o my control. There are decisions to be made. Friendships to nurture and to let go of. Goals to reach. Shoes to buy (wait that I CAN do!). And so much more! As exciting as these decisions are, and as thriling the unknown can be I for some reason can't bring myself to do anything about them. I am scared to death for things to change too much. For something to go wrong. For life to change to the point where I lose control or worse yet, lose touch with it. For now I just want to hang out where I am, with the people I am with, and have a glass of wine. I don't want to make any choices, I don't want to put forth the effort. I want to be LAZY! If I were rich I would pay someone to make them for me! Ok, I wouldn't, but it sounds good right?
Friday, February 17, 2012
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The house that insanity built!!
We did it! We got a house!! A cute little three bedroom house that will rid us of having to sit elbow to elbow on the couch, hip check eachother on accident (and sometimes on purpose early in the mornings) when trying to walk through the hall, and saying "we will have room for (insert furniture item here) when we have a house." It is super exciting!!
Notice I didn't say BOUGHT a house though. No, we are not buying this year. Apparently, my entire family, Duane's entire family, my co workers, friends and even my hairdresser are not the only ones concerned with the fact that we are not married...so are the banks!! It was a bit frustrating at first and made me want to hunt down the mortgage guy we talked to last year who gave us all the bad information and slash his tires. However, once that feeling passed (much of the credit for that goes to Duane) I was able to take a more realistic look at the situation. Yes, we are still renters, but we reached our goal. We are living in a house, a place big enough for us and the life we want to live. Not to mention, this will serve as a huge learning experience for us!
Duane has been awesome and loved me through being neurotic and stressed. He has talked me down from dreaming up grand plans for a house we can't make too many adjustments to, and yet accomodated me enough to keep me from losing it. It is amazing how moving in to a house with someone can bring out the best or the worst in someone. It has brought out the best in Duane, that is for sure. He lives for home improvement and yard work. He is amazing with a tool box and a plan, and I admire him for that. My forte is more paint, furniture, light fixtures etc and in a rental you are limited which can be frustrating, thus the crazy comes out more than I would like it to!!
In a way I am glad we get this opportunity for a "dress rehearsal" of what it will be like when we actually have OUR house. By then we will have learned how to balance eachother out, ok well I will learn that because Duane seems to have it figured out! What eachother's priorities are and it will be easier...not easy, just easier. Sometimes life throws you a curveball that you don't think you have a chance at, but a few times in a batting cage can make you realize it's a chance to hit it out of the park and that curveball doesn't look so scary next time it comes flyin at you! I am excited for the times in this house with our family and friends and everything to be learned along the way. The people in the house make it a home, not the light fixtures, windows or paint and with that in mind, I have the best home I could ask for!
Notice I didn't say BOUGHT a house though. No, we are not buying this year. Apparently, my entire family, Duane's entire family, my co workers, friends and even my hairdresser are not the only ones concerned with the fact that we are not married...so are the banks!! It was a bit frustrating at first and made me want to hunt down the mortgage guy we talked to last year who gave us all the bad information and slash his tires. However, once that feeling passed (much of the credit for that goes to Duane) I was able to take a more realistic look at the situation. Yes, we are still renters, but we reached our goal. We are living in a house, a place big enough for us and the life we want to live. Not to mention, this will serve as a huge learning experience for us!
Duane has been awesome and loved me through being neurotic and stressed. He has talked me down from dreaming up grand plans for a house we can't make too many adjustments to, and yet accomodated me enough to keep me from losing it. It is amazing how moving in to a house with someone can bring out the best or the worst in someone. It has brought out the best in Duane, that is for sure. He lives for home improvement and yard work. He is amazing with a tool box and a plan, and I admire him for that. My forte is more paint, furniture, light fixtures etc and in a rental you are limited which can be frustrating, thus the crazy comes out more than I would like it to!!
In a way I am glad we get this opportunity for a "dress rehearsal" of what it will be like when we actually have OUR house. By then we will have learned how to balance eachother out, ok well I will learn that because Duane seems to have it figured out! What eachother's priorities are and it will be easier...not easy, just easier. Sometimes life throws you a curveball that you don't think you have a chance at, but a few times in a batting cage can make you realize it's a chance to hit it out of the park and that curveball doesn't look so scary next time it comes flyin at you! I am excited for the times in this house with our family and friends and everything to be learned along the way. The people in the house make it a home, not the light fixtures, windows or paint and with that in mind, I have the best home I could ask for!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wanna Order a Pizza?
How do you like your pizza? Thick crust, thin? Lot's of sauce, extra cheese? Toppings piled high, or do you like them basic? I say, depends on who you are ordering with!!
A thin crust is great, if made correctly. It requires attention to detail because it becomes fragile if too much heat is placed on it. A pan crust is thicker and stands up to the heat better. It is harder to break. It is thicker, spongier and soaks up the sauce! Depending on who you are ordering with your crust may not stand up to a higher heat. If you put too much pressure on it, it may break. Then again it may stand up to the heat and welcome a challenge because it knows it can weather that storm! I prefer a thick crust, but if the person I am ordering with wants to keep it thin, then I am one to oblige.
Do you go light on the sauce and the cheese? Do you feel like the basis of your pizza is the least important part? The sauce creates a layer for all of your toppings to stick to. This is something, like the crust that both people ordering must be in agreement about. You can't 1/2 and 1/2 the sauce types. Once it is spread out over that crust you are stuck with it. I like my sauce very thick, but not too spicy. Too much spice makes me not want pizza anymore!
So hopefully by know you have caught on to my little story. Interactions between people, friends, family, significant others, have always fascinated me. These relationships are always so different, yet never the same for each person. Some relationships have a thin crust. One bite into that pizza and it breaks up. If you chose wisely and opted for extra sauce and maybe some extra cheese, also known as effort and compassion, then it can hold that crust together for a while. Long enough for another bite usually, but it won't last if that sauce has to do all the work. That thicker pan crust can handle the chomps, it can stand up to it because it is more flexible. More willing to bend and handle the pressure. It also absorbs the sauce and makes it a part of itself. Your foundation is now built with flexibility effort and compassion. This is an unbreakable bond, well, for pizza anyways!
Not everyone likes the same toppings on their pizza. Why should they? There are so many options out there! If you are new to making pizzas or never really cared to learn before now you may want to pile your pizza high with everything to decide what you like. Do you like olives? No? Toss em off! Onions? Yes? Sweet, keep em on!! And so on and so forth. Each person can top their half of the pizza with virtually anything they want, but there is always a chance of some overlap, so what are you not willing to let the other person put on your pizza, just in case it travels over to your half? Sometimes it may take a while to decide what you like on your pizza and figure out how to merge two tastes onto one pizza, but in the end if both people are full and happy then your pizza is perfect!!
A thin crust is great, if made correctly. It requires attention to detail because it becomes fragile if too much heat is placed on it. A pan crust is thicker and stands up to the heat better. It is harder to break. It is thicker, spongier and soaks up the sauce! Depending on who you are ordering with your crust may not stand up to a higher heat. If you put too much pressure on it, it may break. Then again it may stand up to the heat and welcome a challenge because it knows it can weather that storm! I prefer a thick crust, but if the person I am ordering with wants to keep it thin, then I am one to oblige.
Do you go light on the sauce and the cheese? Do you feel like the basis of your pizza is the least important part? The sauce creates a layer for all of your toppings to stick to. This is something, like the crust that both people ordering must be in agreement about. You can't 1/2 and 1/2 the sauce types. Once it is spread out over that crust you are stuck with it. I like my sauce very thick, but not too spicy. Too much spice makes me not want pizza anymore!
So hopefully by know you have caught on to my little story. Interactions between people, friends, family, significant others, have always fascinated me. These relationships are always so different, yet never the same for each person. Some relationships have a thin crust. One bite into that pizza and it breaks up. If you chose wisely and opted for extra sauce and maybe some extra cheese, also known as effort and compassion, then it can hold that crust together for a while. Long enough for another bite usually, but it won't last if that sauce has to do all the work. That thicker pan crust can handle the chomps, it can stand up to it because it is more flexible. More willing to bend and handle the pressure. It also absorbs the sauce and makes it a part of itself. Your foundation is now built with flexibility effort and compassion. This is an unbreakable bond, well, for pizza anyways!
Not everyone likes the same toppings on their pizza. Why should they? There are so many options out there! If you are new to making pizzas or never really cared to learn before now you may want to pile your pizza high with everything to decide what you like. Do you like olives? No? Toss em off! Onions? Yes? Sweet, keep em on!! And so on and so forth. Each person can top their half of the pizza with virtually anything they want, but there is always a chance of some overlap, so what are you not willing to let the other person put on your pizza, just in case it travels over to your half? Sometimes it may take a while to decide what you like on your pizza and figure out how to merge two tastes onto one pizza, but in the end if both people are full and happy then your pizza is perfect!!
Life in Another Dimension
I wrote this about a year and a half ago. Thought I should put it out there for the world to read! Enjoy!
Anyone who has ever worked in an office setting knows that it is unlike any other kind of job. You are expected to come to work, sit in your little 5x8 cubicle and keep to yourself. This is ideal of course, but it is kind of like trapping a wild animal. You can’t expect us to sit for 8 hrs a day in front of a computer, sometimes two or three computers and not find something to entertain ourselves or look for reasons and ways to escape!
Now, I have been told I am lucky, in the sense that my cat Patches was lucky to be put to sleep before her teeth fell out and she died of starvation, that I don’t have a full cubicle. I have a half like cubicle thingy with walls that don’t completely cover my computer screen or any other business going on in my desk area. Why the walls are there, I have yet to come to a firm conclusion, but I think it may have something to do with making us know that we have boundaries, kind of like the invisible fence my parents have for their Jack Russell. I am thankful not to feel like a mouse trapped in a cage with 4 ft high cubicle walls; however is it too much to ask for a little privacy at my desk? I mean, how else will I successfully become the best mobster I can be in Mafia Wars or chat endlessly on Yahoo with my friends if I keep getting caught?! I will never achieve true slackerific tendencies with 3 ft walls and a computer screen in plain view of anyone who walks through the door.
While working at a different office for a week I was treated to the endless entertainment of a true cubicle land, office space, mice in cages setting! If getting my work done at my own office was difficult, it was never going to happen here! Not only do I have actual cubicle walls, but so does everyone else. There is something about being trapped in a cubicle for 8 hrs a day that makes you forget that there is anyone else around you. It is like you have been taken to a new dimension where the only things that exist are your computer (with full internet access, now here I can fine tune my slackerific tendencies), your cup of coffee on the desk and your and my favorite…PERSONAL PHONE CALLS! Oh the things I know about people that they would never in a million years dream of telling a complete stranger, yet inside those cubicle walls you feel like you are empowered, that you are in control of your world and that no one else exists, so you feel free to bask in the glory of all of your personal drama as if no one else can hear or judge you! Big mistake! (please note names have been changed, and or forgotten due to non importance, to protect the innocent)
Barbara’s husband is a jerk, he painted the living room the wrong shade of green! Can you believe it? How could he even think to wake up early, go to the store and pick up the paint that she picked out and paint the living room the WRONG shade of green? Now, if you were having this conversation where you knew people could hear you, you would probably be a whole lot nicer about it, but not in this new cubicle dimension. Barbara flipped out! I heard curse words I didn’t even know existed! Ok, I know what you are thinking, so what? She is a woman, and women overreact about this bullshit all the time! Let me tell you about Frank. He is an IT man and thinks the sun rises and sets over his ass! I don’t know if the sun does, but according to his conversation with his doctor there is a whole lot more than a sunrise goin on down there! Sally hates her mother in law and apparently doesn’t get it enough from her husband, Kathy is taking new medication for her depression and anxiety, and the list goes on!
So reflecting on my week in this new dimension, I can’t help but count my blessings, and by blessings I mean how much it still sucks, just doesn’t suck as bad, that I don’t have to deal with the endless personal drama coming from people who I would never want to know more than their employee number and authorization for rental days, let alone what their proctologist determined was the reason for their “discomfort.” I will take my limited internet access, my joke of a cubicle and my peace and quiet and bask in it’s glory, that is until my co worker who sits less than 3 feet behind me brings in lunch and starts slurping and chewing louder and my grandma does when she eats without her teeth in…those cubicle walls would come in handy just about then!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Am I Destined to Be My Mother??
If someone acts outrageously or treats people a certain way those around them tend to say something along the lines of "well, he can't help it. He had a rough childhood experience." I am no head shrinker but it does make sense. We are a product of our environment, a mini me version of the people who influence us at an early age. But why do we always focus on the negatives of that? Why can't we say "wow, she is amazing, probably because she had a great childhood."? Why can't we use the positive to showcase who people are? Why can't the positive experiences we have had be a prominent reason of why we are the way we are? Why do we focus on the negative...I guess it could be because we all feel we have something in common if we have something to complain about. We aren't trying to make ourselves look better than everyone else if we focus on the negative, we try and strenthen relationship bonds with other people through comparing negative aspects of our lives, because we KNOW everyone has had those!!
During a drunk worknight marathonlike conversation with my boyfriend the other night an interesting point was brought up. One I had never really stopped to think about. Ok, so maybe we were trash talking someone we finally mutually dislike, but that aside this is what was said..."well everyone has negative experiences in their childhood that can affect them..." I thought on that statement for a couple of days. I can't think of a single thing in my childhood that stands out as a negative experience to me. I can't even think of any fights I had with my parents or brother, even though we had them. I can't find a single issue! Nothing so emotionally or physically huge happened in my life as a child that I feel it had a negative impact on my adulthood. I was actually kind of excited about it until I started talking to a friend about it. I almost felt bad saying the truth. Why should I feel bad for telling a friend that I had a great childhood and that my parents and I are still close and have a great relationship? I felt bad because I didn't have that negative to bond with them about. I couldn't sympathize about their bad experiences. I felt like I was bragging. I was focusing on the negative again. I had to actually tell myself "Stop it! You are doing it wrong!!" It is ok to let the positive parts of your life be the reason you are the adult you are now. It is ok to "brag" about the great things in your life that have taught you lessons, enlightened you, or given you much needed perspective. IT IS OK!!!!
It is easy to get caught up in the negative parts of people's personalities, lives and choices. But why should we let ourselves stress over that when there is so much more positive going on that we choose to ignore? People are individuals, they make choices based on their perspective of right and wrong, good and bad, safe and risky. Those decisions are largely based on life's lessons, good and bad. We often let bad choices we have made in the past dictate our choices now, because we are afraid of repeating a history we didn't want to live in the first place. Maybe, it would be better to focus on the good and try to repeat that and not worry so much about other people, their choices and who they are. Let them be the product of their environment. Let them become their mother, father, grandfather or whoever else had a significant influence in their life. Once we start focusing on the positive in our lives it is amazing how uncomfortable the negative people around you get. I say let me turn in to my mother because she is one hell of a woman and hopefully I will be too!
During a drunk worknight marathonlike conversation with my boyfriend the other night an interesting point was brought up. One I had never really stopped to think about. Ok, so maybe we were trash talking someone we finally mutually dislike, but that aside this is what was said..."well everyone has negative experiences in their childhood that can affect them..." I thought on that statement for a couple of days. I can't think of a single thing in my childhood that stands out as a negative experience to me. I can't even think of any fights I had with my parents or brother, even though we had them. I can't find a single issue! Nothing so emotionally or physically huge happened in my life as a child that I feel it had a negative impact on my adulthood. I was actually kind of excited about it until I started talking to a friend about it. I almost felt bad saying the truth. Why should I feel bad for telling a friend that I had a great childhood and that my parents and I are still close and have a great relationship? I felt bad because I didn't have that negative to bond with them about. I couldn't sympathize about their bad experiences. I felt like I was bragging. I was focusing on the negative again. I had to actually tell myself "Stop it! You are doing it wrong!!" It is ok to let the positive parts of your life be the reason you are the adult you are now. It is ok to "brag" about the great things in your life that have taught you lessons, enlightened you, or given you much needed perspective. IT IS OK!!!!
It is easy to get caught up in the negative parts of people's personalities, lives and choices. But why should we let ourselves stress over that when there is so much more positive going on that we choose to ignore? People are individuals, they make choices based on their perspective of right and wrong, good and bad, safe and risky. Those decisions are largely based on life's lessons, good and bad. We often let bad choices we have made in the past dictate our choices now, because we are afraid of repeating a history we didn't want to live in the first place. Maybe, it would be better to focus on the good and try to repeat that and not worry so much about other people, their choices and who they are. Let them be the product of their environment. Let them become their mother, father, grandfather or whoever else had a significant influence in their life. Once we start focusing on the positive in our lives it is amazing how uncomfortable the negative people around you get. I say let me turn in to my mother because she is one hell of a woman and hopefully I will be too!
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