and I realized I haven't in a while. It isn't because I don't have anything to say, I always have something to say, but I think it is because life has been a little crazier, busier, and more serious than usual. Growing up sucks! I would give anything for the days when my biggest problem was that mom and dad wouldn't let me stay out with my friends till 1am on a Saturday. Life was simple then, well at least compared to now it was. It wasn't simple in the fact that I had no worries in the world, but the worries were different, not as potentially life changing.
I turned 30 in October. It wasn't a birthday that made me feel old or that I dreaded like so many other people I know did. It made me think. Where am I? How did I get here? Where am I going? I have answered 2/3 of that thought process! It's better than half, but not quite finished. I know what you are going to say, no one ever REALLY knows where they are going in life, it is full of surprises, when a door closes blah blah blah. I get it! I have lived it, and now I would like a little predictability in my life for a while.
Where am I? I am sitting at my desk at work. Ha! Less literally speaking I am in a good place. I have a nice house (albeit I rent), an amazing family, a cute dog and a cuddly kitty, and am engaged to my best friend and one of the most awesome people I know. I come home to a dog that is excited to see me, a cat that casually aknowledges my existense unless she is begging for dog food (don't ask!) and a man who actually cares how my day was. I am lucky!
How did I get here? Now THIS is a loaded question. I could go back to birth and attribute my life today to my parents and how they raised me. Yes, they have had a major influence in my life and are the reason I am physically here, but have also had a major influence on how I live my life and the choices I make. They alone are not the reason I got to the place I am at. My friends, past and present, have shaped my life as well. Friends push us beyond our comfort zones, they open up a different way of life and point of view for us. They contribute to our journey. My ex husband? Absolutely is one of the reasons I am where I am. I learned soooo much about myself from my marriage and divorce that I can confidently say I would not be WHO I am or WHERE I am or with the person I am with if it hadn't expereienced that. I could sit and write about all the things that have influenced me, but it would take me 30 years! There are so many decisions we make on a daily basis that shape our lives. Decisions we think may be insignificant can change the course you are on down the road and choices you think are huge can blow by you like a tumbleweed in the desert not changing a thing and rolling along until it finds someone else.
NOw for the loaded question Where am I going? Honestly right now I don't know! A lot of things are up in the air and out o my control. There are decisions to be made. Friendships to nurture and to let go of. Goals to reach. Shoes to buy (wait that I CAN do!). And so much more! As exciting as these decisions are, and as thriling the unknown can be I for some reason can't bring myself to do anything about them. I am scared to death for things to change too much. For something to go wrong. For life to change to the point where I lose control or worse yet, lose touch with it. For now I just want to hang out where I am, with the people I am with, and have a glass of wine. I don't want to make any choices, I don't want to put forth the effort. I want to be LAZY! If I were rich I would pay someone to make them for me! Ok, I wouldn't, but it sounds good right?
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